Friday, Dec. 03, 2004 - 3:08 AM
Currently listening to: Blonde Redhead
Currently wondering: Did i really think i knew my friends that well?
So i've been a sneaky little bitch today. I have read the emails of two close friends because they did not log off of their accounts. Serves them right, right? No, not right, i know that. but for the purposes of this entry, i will not name names, but i will make a point. i have discovered this part of themselves they only show people they are intersted in having sex with. It's all... full of 50cent words and chock full-o-emotions i never even knew they posessed. this comes as quite a surprise to me. it shouldn't. people are allowed to have secret parts of themselves, absolutely. i'm just amazed at how well people hide things. i think it is interesting that the information i have "stumbled" upon has knocked me off of my pedestool (sp?) a little. it feels like i've had a fast one pulled on me. oh well. i'm bound to get over it.
it's been an interesting few months since i've last written. i've fallen madly in love, then out of love, then bordering on disgust at times with one person. woah. harsh. buttttttt.... it's true.
people around me have been getting a lot of action. i am beginning to wonder why i don't get
So, i dropped out of college for good. i only have about two more years left here. but i'm so tired of it. i'm miserable here. I'm starting to get a little scared because socially, a college degree is worh a lot. I know i can achieve a lot, but it's a matter of reigniting my ambition. That's the hard part. I'm sure i'll come around.
So in the three short years i've been in this town, i think i've lost three good friends to their own interests. How jealous it makes me. These are the people who at one time you were so close to that no words needed to be spoken to have a connection. These people have begun to confide in others who i doubt love them as much as i do. I have to move on though. i feel i have to be careful though because i'm seeking people who i think need someone to latch on to. Those are my favorite. but when they hatch agendas of their own, i freak out. they have stopped needing me.
There is this part of me. the "girlfriend" part. this was the part of my friends i glimpsed tonight. what a privileged part. I think it's about time i find someone to give that to. I haven't actively sought someone to kiss in.... years. Do i even want to? apparently i do. But there is this part that is so loving and understanding and non-judgemental. It's in there, i assure you. Someone should come and bring it out of me.
Vegas is in a week or so. Dec 13-15. I'm pretty excited about it. i think i may have the money to have a good time, since my last visits have been funded by charity. I think this trip is either going to be the best time of my life or the absolute worst. I'm not quite sure what i'm anticipating, but it's going to be big. perhaps i'll marry. perhaps i'll die.
i'd be afraid to die right now. there are things i wouldn't want my family to find. i should probably gather those things and store them in a place that only isai will know the directions to. then i can appear to be of the norm.
"I gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing i ever do..."
I'm grading trial-by-fires right now. i feel lame because that is what i was doing last time i wrote. i feel bad for neglecting this diary. not that bad though because nobody reads this and i can't be completely truthful because someone MIGHT read it someday.
bleh.
I used to be in love with vincent gallo, but i'm falling out of it.
esther has been keeping in touch with me. i don't know how i feel about that. i love her, but would rather sever those connections to Bakersfield. life now is better than then, but still not as good as i would like.
waiting around to be loved,
felicia
